The Anxiety of Business Building
Anxiety in some ways consumes my whole life. Even when I work to quiet the voices telling me I'm not good enough or that everything will soon start falling apart at the seems, it sometimes feels like I can create new anxiety from that old anxiety rushing right back.
But anxiety, I think, has also at times been a positive force in my life. When backed up against the wall I've tended to thrive, that fighting instinct kicking in to save myself from the failure I fear most.
I hate living like that. It hurts. And the cycle prevents me from achieving the happiness I desire and nurturing the love around me.
I want to be successful. I want to people to desire what I sell. I want them to buy my art and wear my fashion. I want money. Not because of the luxuries I could see myself enjoying, but simply for the comfort. I want to be able to breathe.
I want to be able to feel the true confidence in myself, not the mantras I tell myself. I believe in myself, I say. But do I? The saying it to myself isn't enough to make me believe it.
I know I shouldn't look externally for validation. I'm not supposed to do that. But the ability to support myself on what I love is how I view my success. The ability to take that deep breath.
It will come. I know it will. But it needs to come soon. I will keep investing my time and my money on this project. I believe in it. But as that anxiety builds itself back up, I will work harder and harder to achieve this goal of comfort. Each day a renewed effort, a rededication.